Update Year-Version

Wow, so it's been a year. I feel like I'm writing in a diary. Let's see what's changed? I'm now doing nothing all day instead of going to school and therefore feel dead and emotionless and bleh all the time. Without a basis of stuff to do during the day; the day really isn't anything at all. I don't recommend this. I feel like I'm failing at my life because I'm not taking advantage of the INCREDIBLE opportunities that surround me. I didn't take that film program that I was really psyched about because it was 'too far' DAMN I hate that. I feel like such a failure. Anyway, this optimistic blog post was not my intention in fact I wanted to speak about good things such as fundraising and groups I'm a part of, would like to be a part of, or will soon be a part of.

Oh, also I had a puppy for 10 days. It was a life-changing experience. In a way. After he left I returned to how I was before he came.. so I guess it doesn't count.

--

I want to go to this program called Canada World Youth, but I want to do it for the wrong reasons. I want to get close to people, I want to be in a relationship, and I want to do something. I'm terrified of the whole other world that's out there that I can't see. I keep imagining me meeting someone in this program and being happy with them for the first time in my life, but what the hell? There isn't even any indication that something like that will happen so why do I think it will? Anyway, I need to fundraise at least $2800 to be a part of the organization IF I even get in, which is a weighted draw apparently. PLUS I don't know when I should go because of school and the fact that it's 6 months (Oh, I forgot to mention that part didn't I?)

How can one person fundraise $2800 in like a month? (Since you find out you are going around May and I might choose to leave in June..)

Actually.. a better statement would be:

How can someone like me fundraise almost $3000 in a month? Let alone a year! I can't do anything.

Wow, failure speech again, no one wants to read this and I guess no one will .. unless I can get this up and running, which who knows. How do people even find these things anyway?

Maybe I should speak less about myself and speak more about inspiration

Maybe this should be an inspiration blog

Not just for me, but for anyone who stumbles upon it with the use of 'StumbleUpon' or whatever other amazing tool there is out there.

Then again.. maybe it will just be for me.

What's gone well today?

What's gone well today?
I think that should be a questions asked by everyone everday. People, me for example, are often too preoccupied in the things that went wrong, how horrible the day was and what you hated. This is the worst technique possible to live a happy life. (thats an exaggerations.. there are worse). Anyway, if you take the time at the end of the day to write down some things that made it worthwhile, you will be a happier person and it will be good, in my opinion. besides, then you can look back and think 'oh yeah that was nice' or 'i remember that, that was a good day' even if it wasn't a good day, because you're choosing to remember the good.
this is not saying that you should forget the bad or ignore your mistakes or anything, I'm just saying that don't always think negative, and give yourself a chance. :)

The Past

I'm changing this post from the repeat it was on Feb 25th 2010 to something new on Feb 16th 2011. Who else can't believe it's 2011 already? Let alone the 16th of February. Let alone almost the end of yet another school year. One that I did not take part in this year. I'm afraid to finish my schooling, because then it would mean I have nothing. Literally nothing. One class to go. Then who knows what? The future I guess.

Anyway, all I wanted to say was.. The past: It's like it happened to a different person. I can't remember many things. I have a strange memory. I can remember that three and a half years ago I watched an episode of Chuck on an airplane to my first CISV camp in Ohio and one of the lines was "I'm a big man-boy" or something along those lines, but don't be too impressed because I wrote it down somewhere and have seen that a few times since. Also, when I talk about my memory I talk about that line so it shows up a lot in my long-term memory.

But I can't remember what I ate yesterday.. let alone earlier today. I can't remember how many times I've gone to the bathroom today or even what time I woke up. But I think part of that is my brain becoming dead from all this tv and couch-sitting I've been doing.

I don't even want to get out. I want to do nothing, because that's easier. Unless I'm fully involved in something it doesn't always feel 'worth it.'

Anyway, so the person in my past who isn't me.. who really truly isn't me, because of how much I'm changed. You have too I'm sure. No one is who they were yesterday.

That person is wondering what the hell happened. And how it happened. And why?

I don't understand time.. it's like a confused witch on a vacuum. I don't know why. I just write sometimes. This is one of those times.

my [short] thoughts on Twilight

I just thought you should know that I love to hate Twilight. I actually like it, but it's so much more fun to hate on it. Try it sometime ;)

my life as of now

Okay, so here's the thing. I switched schools, yeah? But now I'm not even invited to my best friend's birthday parties. I mean I was, but then they went without telling me when and where it was. :| ARGH it makes me so sad. Like my only friends are the 'convienant' ones I was reading somewhere that you're only friends with them because you need them and they need you and you just see them everyday. Apparently I have no others and since I don't see those friends every day they no longer like me or something I don't know maybe they just forget about me which isn't really that much better.

My anti-social-ism

Honest to God, why do I hate people? I'm so antisocial and I hate it. I just want to be close with people, but I find it so hard. Maybe it's because I move so often.. I went to three different schools last year [four times] long story, but before that I'd been to 5 I believe in 8 years :|. But I blame other things for .. pretty much everything so I think it's because I'm lazy and unmotivated. If I'm happier to sit at home [not necessarily "happier" but it causes less work..] instead of say.. going to the mall and meeting new people with my friends then HELL I'll do it.. and another reason for not going to the mall today is because I'm so darn self-conscious. Especially of my weight.. turns out my dad's only 5 pounds heavier than me :| like wowza :P Seriously though I need to lose some weight and maybe I will.. I don't get any excercise, but I got sick a few days ago and when I get sick I am demanded to drink a lot of water so that's what I've been doing and we got this new water system that's supposedly REALLY good and anyway so I've had like 2 litres, then 1 1/2, then 3 in the last three days, which is freaking awesome compared to my otherwise ZERO glasses everday. Anyway back to the main topic of my anti-socialism.. I refuse to go to my grandparents house.. ALL THE TIME and I hate taking money from them even though they ARE going to die soon and my cousins are going to get every last penny they have and they DEFINITELY will not share. But honestly folks, what the heck.. why can't I have the decency to go see my grandparents before they die?! I'm just so damn lazy I don't want to move and I never get excercise and I'm just a big fat lard of fat which is funny cause I'm pretty sure lard IS fat. Anyway just thought you should know of my anti-socialness

so long

my first one

Okaiee. yeah i know lame name, right? but you try to come up with a better one at 2:50 something am while waiting for your Scrubs season 5 episode 16 I believe.. to lead painfully slow. on second hand.. don't because it'll probably be better than avana-oasis. anyhoo

SCHOOL IS IN LIKE 3 DAYS!!!!

And not only that, but I'm going to a new school... for my second last year [for some reason i'm fine with saying second last year, but a little hesitant about saying grade 11]

anyway i'll add more later when it's not this late at night .. early in the morning

also i'm sick and slept ALL freaking day yesterday, but it was my last free day cause i'm busy every other day from now till tuesday [school] and yesterday i couldn't fall asleep till 6 am :O